You can't drink poison...

Last night, right before bed...

Me:  "You can't drink that.  It is NOT soda.  It's nail polish remover.
It's poison."
Damian:  "How. Did. You. KNOW?!?!"

Baked Potato & Eggs

Simple cheap eats, adapted from here.

2 medium-sized Russet potatoes
4 strips bacon
1/2 bell pepper, coarsely chopped
2 Tbsp. butter
1/3 cup shredded cheese (I like Cheddar-Jack)
2 eggs
   salt
   pepper

1. Preheat oven to 400 F.
2. Wash potatoes and poke with fork to vent.  Put directly in oven (do not wrap in foil).
3. Meanwhile, cut bacon into 1/2" strips and saute until crispy.  Drain on paper towel/plate.
4. Saute peppers in the bacon grease (perhaps you've noticed, I love recycling bacon grease).
5. Remove potato from oven and cut off the top horizontally (you basically just want to take off enough that you can stuff it and have room, not quite half way-- perhaps about a third?).
6. Scoop out the potato flesh, taking care not to break the skin-- leave a little flesh to maintain the structural integrity of the skin.  If you do break through, wrap it in foil to hold it together.
7. Mash together potato flesh, butter and cheese.  Fold in bacon and peppers.
8. Stuff the potato mixture back into the skin.
9. Create a depression in the potato mixture.  The depression should be big enough for an egg, as the next step is:
10. Crack the egg into a small dish and pour into the potato depression.
11. Bake the whole thing on a baking sheet 10-20 minutes, or until the eggs are just set.
12. Salt and pepper to taste.

Sloppy Guiseppe

The boyfriend and I had lunch today at Adriana's On the Hill.  Because I am a girl and therefore make better decisions, I got the Sloppy Guiseppe, an off-menu special that is supposed to be like the Italian version of the beloved family classic, the Sloppy Joe, only like 1000x better.  I got the impression that this is a regular off-menu addition, perhaps a weekly special?  I for one intend to find out, and I suggest you join me.  However, in the likely event that you feel compelled to eat this every day, here is my best effort (so far, stay tuned for updates) to replicate this magical sandwich:

2 - 2.5 lbs salsiccia
1-26 oz. jar basic pasta sauce (I used Zia's Original Recipe, in keeping with the St. Louis theme)
4 tsp. dark brown sugar
1 1/2 tsp. red pepper flakes
1/4 tsp. cayenne
1/2 bell pepper, chopped finely
sandwich buns (the Hawiian buns are my favorite-- I am aware that this is not authentic.  Do whatever.)
1 Tbsp. butter or butter substitute
1/4 tsp. garlic powder
1/4 cup (ish) Italian blend cheese
sprinkle of parmesan cheese

1. Break up and brown the salsiccia over medium high heat.
2. Meanwhile, combine pasta sauce, brown sugar, red pepper flakes, cayenne.  Heat over low until ready to combine with salsiccia (not yet, I'll tell you when).
3. When salsiccia is browned almost all the way (there should be a few spots of pink on surfaces that have not happened to make contact with the pan yet), add peppers and mix.  Cover and cook until meat is fully browned and peppers are somewhat tender.
4. Add the sauce to the salsiccia pan.  Stir, cover, and cook over low for 5-10 minutes (however long you can stand it).
5. Meanwhile, mix the butter with the garlic powder and spread over bun.  Sprinkle both sides with Italian blend and parmesan cheese.  Toast until cheese starts to brown.  (This whole step can be omitted if you want to use cheesy Texas Toast or something.)
6. Pile bottom bun high with salsiccia.  Don't be stingy-- pretend you're someone's Italian grandma.

Cheesy magic bread.

Pile it on like grandma.  Unless your grandma is into
healthy nonsense.  Then pile it like someone else's grandma.

Happy Birthday Baby Sister

Today, my baby sister is 20.  Which makes me old, and my mom and dad ancient (BAHAHA).  This can really only be addressed in one way on my blog.

Black Friday Hash

I promised a recipe, and this one is no looker, unlike the cobbler I originally intended to post.  This hash is a way to deal with Thanksgiving leftovers.

This good looking guy is the turkey the boyfriend painstakingly prepared for us.  See how pretty?  That's why I am using him (I dubbed him Philbert) to bury the pictures of the Black Friday Hash, which looks more like this:

Quasimodo of Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"

1/2 cup mashed potatoes
1 Tbsp. butter
1/4 cup turkey, shredded
1/3 cup stuffing
2 eggs
1 tsp. white vinegar
   flour
   salt
   pepper

Melt butter in a frying pan over medium high heat.  Meanwhile, shape mashed potatoes into a small patty, as though you were making cheese burgers.  Dust both sides with flour, and carefully place patty in frying pan.  Cook until golden-ish, then carefully flip.

Raw mashed potato patty

Cooked mashed potato patty

Meanwhile, fill a small pot about 2 inches full of water.  Add 1 tsp. white vinegar and bring to a boil.  Warm up turkey (do this however you'd like, I put it on a plate, covered it with a wet paper towel, and microwaved for 45 seconds).  When potato patty is done (see above visual aid), gently transfer it to a plate.  Pile turkey on top of potatoes.  Add about a tablespoon or so of cranberry sauce.

Looking delicious already.

If necessary, regrease potato pan.  Add stuffing and heat until warm.  Transfer to plate on top of turkey.  By the time all that is ready, the water should be boiling.

Poach the eggs:

1. Break egg #1 into a small dish.
2. Stir the water (the same water that you just boiled) gently, making a swirling vortex for the egg.
3. Gently pour the egg from the dish into the center of the swirling vortex.
4. Repeat with second egg.
5. Cook 3-5 minutes, depending on how runny you like your yolks (as you will see in the following visual aid, I like mine REALLY runny, and therefore usually take them out when they are still in the falling apart stage).
6. Remove eggs one at a time using a slotted spoon, allowing the water to drain

Pile eggs on top of the whole mess of leftovers.  Poke the yolk, creating a delicious sauce, and season to taste with salt and pepper.  Serve with more cranberry sauce.

As I mentioned, this guy is not gonna win any beauty contests.  As such, here are a few more Thanksgiving pictures:

These are the place cards I made.  As you can see they are elaborate hand turkeys, with 3D wings, a beak, a waddle, and pipe cleaners for feet.

This is Spartacus, or Bucket as I like to call him.  We started cooking at about 10 am (?) and he did not move from his post in front of the oven all day.  As always, I am impressed by his dedication.

Black Friday

So, I know I said I'd have a recipe today...but I got drunk and forgot to take pictures, so the recipe is a no-go.  Luckily, I have a good story with visual aids.

The boyfriend and I stayed at my parents' house for Thanksgiving.  We had the distinct pleasure of sleeping on the futon in the guest bedroom, which would most likely have been more than enough space if it weren't for my horrible dog.  My dog, in addition to being horribly neurotic, loves to cuddle.  As in, he tries to climb inside your skin.  And he's in love with Damian.   Like gaze-longingly-into-his-eyes-all-day love.  So the dog spent every waking moment (read: all night) trying to burrow under the covers, preferably sandwiched between us, his collar tags clinking the entire time.  Needless to say, I did not sleep well.

SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!  I WILL KILL YOU!

So morning rolls around.  I have finally gotten some sleep.  I am cuddling with Damian, who is simultaneously cuddling the dog, serving as a barrier between us so I don't kill the mongrel idiot.  He's pretty much at the edge of the futon, completely pinned into place by a sleep-deprived girlfriend and the neediest dog in the world.  "You guys are the worst," he says.

I say, "No, it could be worse."  "Yeah," he says, "I could be cuddling with a Gila Monster."  "...and Kim Jong Il!" I add, playing on his American xenophobia.

"Yeah," he says, "that would definitely be worse."  Then, hugs for me.  Because I am the sweetest girlfriend ever, not a notoriously un-American dictator.

Happy Black Friday to all the crazies killing each other at the mall.

Show this to your family...

Happy almost-Thanksgiving!  You may or may not be aware that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, bar none, and this year the Team is running the show.

Super Punch (aka Becca) has angry eyebrows because I'm in her way
and probably poking her as well.  Hair color depicted is true to life.

I'll have a recipe for you on Friday (but not my corn casserole-- we might be invited to the same potluck some day), so to hold you over until then...

...here's what is arguably the best doodle I have ever done.  Ever.  In my notes for Planned Parenthood v. Casey.  It's about abortion.  The sinister guy in the Magneto-esque helmet is Justice Scalia.  The heroic looking fellow in the bow-tie is Justice Stevens (may he retire in peace while we circle the drain).

Happy Thanksgiving, pals!

Hasselback Potatoes

I am a champion.  The exam period does not start until December 6th (just under two weeks away) and I have already finished flash cards for ALL of the Federal Rules of Evidence that we have gone over in class.  The battle felt something like this.

Also, the boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner.  After the usual 15 minutes of browsing the meat department, he selected skirt steak.  It was truly lovely.  I made Hasselback Potatoes (adapted from here), which are basically baked potatoes tarted up in their fanciest going out clothes.

2 potatoes (I used Yukon Gold), try to get ones that are more cylindrical than flat
4 cloves garlic, minced
4 Tbsp. olive oil
2 Tbsp. parmesan cheese
    pinch of cayenne
    salt

1. Preheat oven to 425 F.
2. Slice potatoes about 1/8 inch think, stopping 1/4 inch from the bottom.  This is crucial.  You cannot slice (a) all the way through (b) so far down that it falls apart on its own.  I am notoriously bad at precision moves like this.  To save me from myself, I made the 1/8 inch cuts fairly shallow, then went back and carefully made them deeper after I had made all the initial cuts.
3. Mix garlic, oil, parmesan cheese, and cayenne.
4. Carefully separate the layers of the potato just enough that you can pour some of the seasoning/oil mixture in with a spoon.  Evenly distribute the mixture between the layers, while also reserving some to rub over the top and outsides of the potato.  Do that.
5. Sprinkle tops of potatoes with salt, and more parmesan cheese if you like that sort of thing.
6. Bake 40-45 minutes on a baking sheet.  Insides should be cooked/soft, skin should be crispy.  The layers of the potato will have fanned out somewhat.
7. Move potatoes with care.  If they fall apart, you lose the impressive look, which is pretty much the exclusive purpose of all this effort.

This is what the slices look like when you do it right.

This is what the slices look like when you're a horrible failure.
This potato will now have to be put down.

Potatoes, stuffed with love.

The finished product, served with skirt steak.

Naturally, we followed up with Chocolate Cherry Brownie Cookies.

Chocolate Cherry Brownie Cookies

After two consecutive days of dazzling productivity, I deserve a treat.  So I decided that Monsters Inc. and some cookie baking was in order.  The cookies are an adaptation, which I was inspired to create by the new holiday M&M flavor, Cherry Cordial.

3 oz. unsweetened chocolate
1 1/2 cups bittersweet chocolate chips (apparently this has to be chips, not bar-- I just took the guy's  
       word for it)
7 Tbsp. butter, cut into pieces
2 tsp. vanilla extract
3 large eggs, room temperature
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup flour
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 cup white chocolate chips
1 cup Cherry Cordial M&Ms

1. Melt unsweetened chocolate, bittersweet chocolate, and butter in a double boiler, or in a heatproof bowl set over a pot of simmering water (bowl should be larger than the pot so that it is suspended,  not touching the water).  Stir frequently until chocolate is melted and glossy.  Remove bowl from pot, allow to cool slightly.
2. Beat eggs and sugar with an electric mixer on medium high until light and quite thick, about 4 minutes.  Add vanilla and mix.  Add chocolate and mix on low until fully blended.
3. In another bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda, and salt.  Fold dry ingredients into wet.
4. Fold white chocolate chips and M&Ms into batter.  Let stand at room temperature 20-30 minutes to thicken-- it will still look more like thick batter than cookie dough.
5. Preheat oven to 325 F.
6. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.  Spoon 1 generous tablespoon of batter per cookie about 2 inches apart (1 dozen per baking sheet).
7. Bake cookies 11-14 minutes, or until shiny and cracked on top, rotating baking sheets halfway through.
8. Cool cookies on trays.  Serve with milk.

In honor of Monsters Inc., here's a doodle I made in the margins of Griswold v. Connecticut.  The circled words, if you can't read them say "I think this is an uncommonly silly law."  Naturally, this made me think of monsters with crazy-eyes.

Close up.

FRE 901

This is how the Federal Rules of Evidence make me feel.

I am really tired of outlining already.  Law school is a scam.

Butternut Squash Pasta Bake

I love butternut squash.  The affair began at the beginning of this summer, when I experienced the Best Risotto Ever (at Bar Italia-- squash, grape tomatoes, and fiddlehead fern-- it still haunts my dreams).  Incidentally, that was the same time I fell in love with risotto, but that's neither here nor there.  I concocted this guy when I had half a roasted butternut squash lying around from a previous recipe.  Enjoy.

1 box tube shaped pasta
1 butternut squash (pick out a good one)
1 sweet onion, chopped
1 Tbsp. Sriracha
1 Tbsp. tomato paste
1 lb. thick cut bacon, sliced into 1/2" pieces
1-15.5 oz container part skim ricotta
1/2 bag Italian blend cheese
Bechamel sauce (below):
        1/2 cup butter
        3/4 cup flour
        4 cups warm 2% milk
        1/2 cup mozzarella
        salt, pepper, garlic powder to taste

1. Preheat oven to 400 F.  Slice the squash in half lengthwise, scoop out the seeds.  Brush the cut sides with olive oil.  Place squash cut side up on a baking sheet.  Roast for 45-60 minutes, until soft.  Let squash cool, then peel.
2. Cook bacon over medium high until crispy.  Remove with a slotted spoon and drain on paper towel.
3. Reserve about a tablespoon of bacon grease, dispose of the rest.  Saute onions in bacon grease over medium high until caramelized.
4. Puree squash, onion, Sriracha, and tomato paste in food processor.
5. Cook pasta until al dente.
6. Prepare Bechamel sauce:  In a saucepan, melt butter over medium.  Add flour and stir, making a paste.  Cook for 3 minutes, stirring frequently.  Whisk in milk slowly.  Cook for 5 minutes, stirring constantly.  Add cheese, season to taste.
7. Preheat oven to 375 F.
8. In a 9x13" baking dish, layer: pasta, sauce, squash puree, ricotta, bacon.  For last layer: pasta, sauce, Italian cheese blend, bacon.  Bake 30 minutes.

Not a looker by any stretch, but it feels cozy in your belly, which is high priority for me around finals.  Also, you'll almost certainly have leftover Bechamel sauce, and maybe squash and ricotta.   Finally, this makes an unreasonable amount of pasta.  You will eat for days.  Feel free to halve this recipe if you can come up with something else to do with the other half-squash.

Brown Butter Cakelettes

I desperately wanted to make treats, but the boyfriend is bringing the budget hammer down so we can have fun when I visit for New Year's.  So he issued a firm "No treats" edict-- I of course snuck off to the kitchen to see what I could make without going to the store.  These cakes are crispy on the outside, and a little dense.  I also whipped up a cream cheese frosting (4 oz light cream cheese, 1/3 cup sugar, whipped until it cried), but I think it obscures the subtle flavors of the cake.  You decide.

1/2 cup plus 2 Tbsp. butter
1 cup cake flour (if, like the boyfriend, you find cake flour beyond useless and refuse to keep it on hand,  
        use 1 cup of all purpose flour minus 2 Tbsp.)
1 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2 cup white chocolate chips

1. Melt butter over medium heat.  Cook until dark chestnut in color, stirring and scraping bottom occasionally.
2. Pour browned butter into a bowl and place in freezer to cool for 15 minutes.
3. Preheat oven to 325 F.  Grease a mini muffin pan (yields two dozen).
4. In a small bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, salt, and cinnamon.
5. In a large bowl, beat sugar with browned butter until creamy, 1-2 minutes.
6. Add eggs, one at a time and beat until incorporated.  Add vanilla.
7. Place 3-5 chocolate chips in the bottom of each muffin cup.  Spoon batter about halfway full over chocolate chips.  Tap the pans against the counter a few times to settle batter.  Place a couple more chocolate chips on top.
8. Bake 15 minutes.  Remove from pan and cool on a wire rack.

Spicy Roasted Vegetables (plus a bonus doodle)

I was originally thinking my first cooking post should be something more impressive.  But the boyfriend and I made a simple dinner, and I thought I would share.  Let me just start by saying that I am well aware that potatoes are NOT the first thing you think of when you think "Asian."  I get it.  But (a) we didn't have any rice and (b) it's a really subtle flavor, so just go with it.  The boyfriend made meat, as he is wont to do: tonight he made pork tenderloin, sliced into 1" medallions, marinated in teriyaki sauce (store bought), then cooked in his beloved grill pan (it took about half an hour if you're curious).  I, of course was in charge of Not-Meat.

Spicy Roasted Vegetables
1 Russet potato
1 bell pepper, any color but green
3 Tbsp. vegetable oil
1 tsp. sugar (I used white because that's all that was available, but I bet brown would be even better)
1 tsp. hoisin sauce
1/2 tsp. Sriracha (if you like it spicy, use 1 tsp.)
    salt
    garlic powder

1. Preheat oven to 400 F.
2. Chop potato and bell pepper into approximately 1" dice.  Don't worry overmuch about precision, the goal is just to make sure the veggies are in large enough pieces that they won't burn; this is a particular concern where softer veggies like bell peppers are concerned-- heartier ones like potatoes are more resilient, and frankly benefit greatly from some crispiness.
3. Put potatoes on an ungreased baking sheet.  Reserve the peppers in a small bowl.  I mean it.
4. In another small bowl, mix together oil, sugar, hoisin, and Sriracha using a whisk or a fork.
5. Immediately pour half the mixture over the potatoes, half over the peppers.  Do this quickly or the oil will start to separate again.
6. Toss the veggies in their respective containers to coat (potatoes should be in a single layer).  Season lightly with salt and garlic powder, toss again.
7. Bake potatoes for 10 minutes.  Remove from oven, flip, and add peppers.  Mix the potatoes and the peppers and spread them out in a single layer.
8. Bake vegetables for an additional 20 minutes, stopping to flip again halfway through.
9. Remove from oven and season again with salt and garlic to taste.  Vegetables should be tender.

Feel free to add more vegetables as you see fit.  However, please be advised of the following: 

(a) you will need to make more oil mixture-- the recipe is designed for it to coat the specified quantity lightly and will not accommodate more vegetables; 

(b) if you add more veggies, cook any other root vegetables or other sturdy ones like broccoli with the potatoes, and cook the delicate ones with the peppers.

Here's a bonus doodle I made when I should have been working.  Inspired by my blog name.

Golden Oldies

So, in light of the fact that I probably will not be cooking today, I present for your enjoyment a classic doodle.  This doodle is brought to you by the Slaughterhouse Cases, which was brought by a bunch of butchers in Louisiana.  My professor said something along the lines of "Maybe they just wanted cheap meat.  I know I like cheap meat."  Naturally, I instantly thought of cheeseburgers (despite the fact that it was not even 10 AM) and also these darling stickers that my mom got for me when I pestered her at an art store on a recent visit to Chicago.

Inaugural Address

So, it was probably a bad time to start a blog.  My impending doom in convenient exam form is fast approaching, and I probably won't have time to post much of interest before then.  But the boyfriend insisted that I lay claim to the fantastic blog title he dreamed up for me before someone else got to it (someone beat me to the punch on his last brilliant idea-- I couldn't stand to see his face fall like that again). In case you are not nerdy enough to understand his genius, the idea comes from the case or controversy clause.  Though I am not really smart enough to be good at con law (Constitutional Law for those who are not nerdy or full of self-loathing enough to go to law school), I do so love it-- this name celebrates my nerdiness and my love for tasty treats.  Tasty treats will come later.  As for nerdiness, I present for your reading pleasure, an excerpt from a case I am studying for my Journal note (more on this later probably):

"A white applicant in Louisiana satisfied the registrar of his ability to interpret the state constitution  by writing, "FRDUM FOOF SPETGH." "

Yeah.