Don't give me the markers

So to make up for yesterday's exceptionally long post, here is a nice short doodle post.  Last week, I went to pick my mom up from the middle school where she teaches to return the boyfriend and his roommate's rented textbooks to the god-awful, undergrad-packed bookstore.  I got there a little on the early side.  So while the middle school kids played games about reading or something, I got out the paper and markers.

That's me and my best friend the giraffe dancing together while an ostrich chases my dog.  Inspired by the ostrich at the Saint Louis Zoo who lives in the giraffe exhibit and seems to spend his days running around and aggressing the baby giraffe and some sort of antelope type creature who also lives there.  Fact, ostriches are one of the scariest of the land dwelling creatures (not as scary as a tiger, but they can kill you most dead just the same).

Last semester, almost all of my professors foolishly allowed computers in class, which ensured that I would not (a) pay any attention nor (b) make cool doodles.  Gonna investigate my file of last year's hand-drawn doodles, as I have been leaning rather heavily on computerized stuff of late.  More variety is coming!

Things that taste like yellow (Lemon Curd and Macarons)....

It's winter, so here are two things that taste like yellow to brighten up your life, Lemon Curd and Lemon Macarons.  You do not have to make the lemon curd yourself, but you should because (1) it is not hard and (2) the curd uses only egg yolks, the macarons use only egg whites-- minimize the waste!

Oh a quick note:  I have interspersed commentary on the things I did that didn't work throughout the recipes.  [You can pick out this commentary because it looks like this.]

_____________________________________

This whole lemon frenzy started with a sudden obsessive need to make lemon curd (unheard of, I know).  I tried one recipe which did not work out for me, but ultimately used Alton Brown's recipe.  And by used, what I mean is followed loosely from memory because I left my laptop upstairs.  So, because I didn't follow to recipe very well, I'm going to tell you how I did it because it actually worked.   That said, I won't be offended if you do Alton's instead.

Lemon Curd

5 egg yolks

1 cup sugar

4 lemons, zested and juiced (the normal sized lemons, not the small ones)

1 stick butter, cut into pieces and chilled

1. Improvise a double boiler using a saucepan and a heat resistant bowl (here's how). Bring the water to a simmer.
2. Meanwhile, cut the butter into pieces and put it back in the refrigerator.
3. Roll the lemons to free up the juices.  Zest the lemons into a medium-sized bowl. Cut the lemon into halves or quarters, then juice into the bowl over a strainer (to catch the pulp and seeds).
4. Add the egg yolks and sugar and whisk until smooth.
5. Put the bowl over the pot of simmering water and cook about 8 minutes or until thick and pale yellow.  Whisk the mixture every minute or so.  [I was whisking pretty much constantly and ended up having to cook it for way longer-- so the key is apparently to leave it alone to congeal, but stir enough to cook evenly].  It should ultimately "coat the back of a spoon," which frankly I don't really understand very well because apparently I am not a wizard.  If you are also not a wizard, just let it thicken and play it by ear.  If you get impatient and do not let it thicken, the curd WILL NOT set.  Ever.
6. Once the mixture has thickened, whisk in the butter, only adding another piece when the one before has melted.
7. Cool slightly, then transfer to a sterilized jar (I boiled mine for a minute or two).
8. Cover with saran wrap, then close the lid.  Refrigerate overnight or until it is a soft buttery consistency.

Alton says this will keep for 2 weeks.  I obviously don't know yet.  I'll let you know.  Or let me know.  My theory on jam is that it is good unless it smells funny and/or is growing mold.

______________________________________________________

After enjoying this delightful lemon curd spread on toast, I had to start brainstorming other things to do with said curd.  I settled on macarons.  This is a big deal-- last time I tried to make macarons, it was springtime...in St. Louis.  Macarons, being meringues, are notoriously fussy and sensitive to moisture (like the kind that is in the air during humid St. Louis springtime).  I made about three attempts, and was scared off the whole damn thing for more than six months.

These Lemon Macarons did not turn out too pretty, but they ARE delicious.   The traditional method recommends that you age your egg whites to allow some of the moisture to evaporate.  This recipe has the advantage of NOT requiring you to plan that far in advance by adding cream of tartar to stabilize the egg whites.  If you are unfamiliar, here is a helpful doodle depicting the anatomy of a macaron:

   This is what macarons are supposed to look like (photo credit):                           Here are my trollish macarons:

Hopefully my next batch (and yours) will look more like the guys on the left.  As before, I have indicated [using this type] where I have ideas to make less hideous macarons, with particular emphasis on the above three defects.  Without further ado:

Lemon Macarons

1 cup powdered sugar

1/2 cup almond meal

    zest of one lemon

1/4 tsp. cinnamon

2 large egg whites, room temperature

1/4 tsp. cream of tartar

5 Tbsp. granulated sugar

5 drops yellow food coloring

  Lemon curd (make it above or buy it from the store if you hate your loved ones)

1. Read through all the steps and look at the pictures below.  You should always do that, but it is super duper important where macarons are concerned.  They are VERY touchy.
2. Cut a piece of parchment to fit a cookie sheet.  On one side, draw 1" circles in pencil, using a template.  Flip the paper over so the pencil marks are face down on the cookie sheet.  [I used a 2" cookie cutter because I was lazy.  This was a serious error in judgment.  A 1" circle is much easier to pipe properly, see Step 8.]
3. Whisk together powdered sugar, almond meal, lemon zest, cinnamon.  To minimize lumpiness, you can throw this in the food processor.  In fact, you should.  I elected not to, as I don't have a food processor at home and don't want to get used to it.  But do it if you have one.
4. Mix together food coloring and granulated sugar.  [This assumes you will be using a hand mixer for your egg whites.  If you have a stand mixer, you can do this step AFTER you start the egg whites].
5. Beat egg whites and cream of tartar until the egg whites begin to rise and hold their shape (see picture below).  Foamy is not enough.
6. With the beaters running, slowly pour in the now-yellow granulated sugar (Step 4).  Beat another two minutes or so, until the egg whites form stiff peaks (see the picture below).
7. Fold in the powdered sugar mixture into the egg whites.  The batter will be pretty stiff.
8. Scrape the batter into a piping bag with a medium-sized circular tip.  If you do not have a piping bag, use a big freezer bag.  If you also do not have a piping tip, consider getting one, but for now, just cut off a small piece of the corner of your bag. Be careful though, because if you cut off too much corner, your batter will come out too fast and you will make a giant horrible mess.
9. Pipe the batter onto the parchment paper, using the circles you drew on as a guide.  Point your piping bag at the center of a 1" circle.  Slowly squeeze the bag so that the batter gradually spreads out to the edges.  Using a damp finger, press down the little peak at the center.  You should have pretty, smooth dome shapes.  [Because I was lazy and used 2" circles, I ended up using kind of a swirly motion to fill the space.  This is a terrible idea, because it will give you the horrible uneven tops that I told you about earlier.]
10. Leave the batter to set for half an hour.  This is important or you won't get the feet on the shells.  [I'm not sure why I got the ugly hobbit feet, but I think it is the way I piped the batter.]
11. Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 350 F.
12. Once the half hour has elapsed, stack another cookie sheet under the one with the parchment on it.  Then put the macarons in the oven.
13. Bake 10-15 minutes, rotating halfway through so they cook unevenly.  Do not let the macaron shells brown.
14. Remove from oven.  Carefully lift the corner of the parchment, then run a very small amount of water under it.  The steam will loosen the shells.
15. Once slightly cooled, take shells off the parchment with a spatula and let cool on a wire rack.
16. Spread lemon curd on half the macaron shells, then top with the other half.  [Try concentrating the lemon curd in the middle, which should hopefully allow for the spreading of the filling once you put the top shell in place.  If all goes according to plan, your macarons will be neat, not sloppy like mine.]

Step 2: trace the circles.  As you can see, these are too big.
The knives are there to keep the parchment from curling.

Step 2:  Once you flip them over, the circles should be
 faint but visible, like so.

Step 3:  The powdered sugar mixture.
Try to keep this as un-lumpy as possible.

Step 4:  Food coloring drops in sugar.

Step 4:  Mixing the food coloring into the sugar.

Step 4:  The colored sugar, final product.

Step 5:  Egg whites with cream of tartar.

Step 5:  This is what the egg whites should look like when
it's time to add the sugar (Step 5)

Step 6:  This is what the egg whites should look like
when you are done beating them.

Step 7:  Folding the powdered sugar into the egg whites.

Step 9:  Piping the batter onto templates
to form macaron shells.

Step 10:  Leaving the macaron shells to set.

Again, the finished product.  Yours will hopefully be smoother.

Mexican Chocolate Bread Pudding (with Orange-Scented Whipped Cream)

Happy holidays everyone (all 5 of you)!  I've been too busy moping (the boyfriend is out of town) to even doodle, let alone cook (except truffles, but you can't have that recipe).  But it's Christmas Eve, so my mom made her famous enchiladas.  I quickly volunteered for a Mexican-inspired dessert.  IMPORTANT:  you need to start this recipe a day in advance!

That is the Table Moose.  He is present for every holiday,
dressed for the occasion, as the centerpiece.

Pudding:
1 loaf challah bread (check Whole Foods in areas with high goyum populations)
2 cups heavy cream
1 1/2 cups milk
8 oz semi-sweet chocolate chips, plus 1/4 cup (optional)
2 eggs
2 egg yolks
1 1/4 cups sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
    pinch salt
    pinch cayenne

Whipped Cream:
2 cups heavy cream
4 Tbsp. powdered sugar (granulated should work in a pinch)
2 tsp. vanilla extract
4 tsp. orange extract
    juice of half an orange

Garnish:
white decorating sugar
zest of one orange

1. Chop the challah into 1" cubes.  Either let it sit out on a cookie sheet for 24 hours OR toast at 325 F for about 20 minutes, until pretty hard.  If toasting, make sure the bread has a chance to cool completely.
2. The night before:  heat cream and milk over medium high until simmering.  Remove from heat.  Add 8 oz. chocolate and let sit 1-2 minutes.  Whisk together.
3. Meanwhile, beat together eggs, yolks, sugar, cinnamon, salt, and cayenne.  While the egg mixture beats, add the cream mixture one ladle-full at a time (you should do about 4 ladles or so, until the eggs are room temperature or warmer.  Then just pour in the rest).  Beat together until incorporated.  Refrigerate the custard overnight.
4. The morning of:  Grease two 9" round cake pans.  Distribute the challah cubes evenly in the cake pans.  Pour the custard over the challah cubes (again, distribute evenly).  Split the 1/4 cup chocolate chips evenly.  Toss the challah, custard, and chocolate chips until evenly coated.
5. Cover the pans with plastic wrap and press down to pack the cubes tightly together.  Place in the refrigerator.  Periodically, remove the pans, stir the cubes, then pack them down again (maybe 3 times throughout the day).
6. Preheat oven to 325 F.
7. Remove plastic wrap (making sure the cubes are firmly packed first).  Bake for about an hour.  Pudding is done when you meet resistance when you press firmly in the center.
8. While pudding is cooking, prepare the zest: zest the orange.  Spread the zest out on foil, and cook at about 100 F in the toaster oven until dry, about 10-20 minutes.  If you don't have a toaster oven, the zest can probably be left out to dry, starting the night before; alternatively, prepare the zest before the pudding bakes.
9. Pour the 2 cups whipping cream into a mixing bowl.  Refrigerate the bowl (filled with cream) and the beaters.
10. Remove pudding from the oven and allow it to cool in the pan on a wire rack, about 15 minutes.
11. Meanwhile, prepare the whipped cream: beat the cream until it begins to thicken.  Add the sugar, extracts, and juice, and continue to beat until firm peaks form.  If you can scoop it and it holds its shape, it's done.
12. Serve bread pudding with a generous dollop of whipped cream, sprinkled lightly with the decorative sugar (for sparkle) and the dry orange zest.

Baked pudding, pre-serving.

Heuristics

So I know I have been uncharacteristically quiet of late.  That is because I am ass-deep in this mad dash for the finish known as law school exams.  Never experienced it?  Imagine popping open your skull, removing your brain, and wringing out all those lovely vital goopey things that make you smart.  Then apply sandpaper.  Sound fun?  You bet!

As a general rule, I have a pretty low tolerance for brain fatigue.  Pretty much by the time it gets dark, my brain's shift is over and it is replaced by Jello.  I rapidly grow weary of trying to teach Jello to read and understand English, so I do what any sane person who believes that there are Jigglers in their skull would do-- I give up.  At this point, I surrender to the impulse to blog, watch Youtube videos of humpback whales doing whaley stuff, and make myself an Oreo ice cream sandwich.

I'm pretty sure this is what it would be like to be best friends with a whale.

During finals, particularly in the second week, it becomes apparent that this is no longer an option.  The Jigglers must learn about mediation strategy and that is just the end of it.

Because my usual means of determining when it's time to stop working no longer apply, I have had to develop new heuristics (which I learned about in Law & Psychology).

So, in case you were curious, I can tell that my brain is actually done (not just Oreo-sandwich done) when I go to take out my contacts, remove the right one, put my contact juice and case away, clean all the goop off the toothpaste, and prepare to brush my teeth before realizing that something is clearly wrong with my vision.  Upon further investigation, I am able to ascertain that I called it quits one contact too soon.  Naturally, I go to remedy the situation, whereupon I immediately realize that there was apparently still toothpaste on my finger, which is now well on its way to burning my eye out.  Maybe it wanted Jigglers?

Hopefully I'll be cooking again soon...

Help me...

... I'm not sure how long I have been trapped here.  The days all blend together.  The tally marks on the wall could be my efforts at a primitive calendar, or they could be feverishly obsessive scribblings of the only number that seems to matter anymore.  Fourteen.  Amendment XIV, that is.  Judging by the margins of my casebook, it would appear as though I have descended into madness and am attempting to converse with Justice Scalia.  Seriously, it looks like dialogue in a script.

My eyeballs are bleeding from staring at my laptop and from the increased pressure in my skull as my brain starts to explode.  My hair is more messy than usual because I haven't showered.  There is no world outside my Con Law outline as far as I know.  The boyfriend is ten feet away and still I am chatting with my imaginary Justice-pal.  Though who could resist such charming jowls and such a sneaky demeanor?  Not me apparently.  Maybe tomorrow I'll get to hang out with imaginary Justice Stevens.  I imagine we will chat at length about his bow tie before I beg him to come back...

...someone let me out of here... I'm frightened, and I don't know when if ever I shall be released.  Tell my mom I love her.

Fluffy Mocha Bars

These are, for all intents and purposes, brownies.  However, unlike many (dare I say most?) brownies, these guys make no promises to pack the most chocolate per square inch.  Really, it's equal parts chocolate and coffee.   Much like a mocha.  Not the most original flavor combo, but the good news is there's a pretty good chance that you have these ingredients lying around (and if you don't may I suggest that you ALWAYS keep unsweetened chocolate on hand?  You never know when you'll be watching football and suddenly have an olfactory hallucination involving brownies).  These un-brownies are (a) fluffy (b) rich and (c) have the most darling crackly top you ever did see.  It doesn't make a lot, but you will not be able to eat a lot, so that's ok.  And no, that's not a dare.

1 1/2 -2 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/2 cup butter
1/4 cup coffee, as strong as you can brew it*
1/2 cup flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1/8 tsp. salt
2 eggs, room temperature
1 cup dark brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla

1. Preheat oven to 325 F.
2. Melt chocolate and butter together over lowest heat.  Blend together with coffee.  Allow to cool.
3. In a small bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and salt.  Set aside.
4. In a separate bowl, beat together eggs and sugar until thick.
5. Add chocolate mixture and vanilla to egg mixture and beat until just incorporated.
6. Add flour mixture, taking care not to over-beat.
7. Pour batter into a greased 8x8" square cake pan.
8. Bake for 40 minutes, or until a knife inserted into center of the pan comes out clean.
9. Cool brownies completely before cutting or attempting to remove from pan.  They will fall apart if you get impatient.  In fact, they are likely to fall apart even if cool if you aren't careful.

* Obviously individual coffee makers vary tremendously.  The boyfriend has one of those nifty little single cup guys.  I packed the whole filter (metal mesh in this case, which is best because you get to keep all the tasty oils) full of grinds.  I put about 1/4 cup of water in the pot.  When the coffee was brewed, I measured again and it was just over a quarter cup, so I reduced it in a pan on high until there was just under a quarter of a cup.  You want strong flavor, but you do not want to add too much moisture.

Quasi Cristo

I hate cold sandwiches.  Always have, probably always will.  The Monte Cristo, by contrast, is a thing of beauty.  Imagine, if you will, ham, turkey, and swiss wrapped up all warm and cozy in french toast.  Sounds amazing, doesn't it?  At least in St. Louis, this most majestic of sandwiches is exceedingly rare.

Studying for exams leaves little time for culinary endeavors; however, it does not excuse you from the need to eat.  I'm pretty sure Monte Cristos are a fair amount of work to make (I can't think of any other reason why I would not have already tried to make one).  So today, I made these Quasi Cristos.

4 slices cinnamon raisin bread (not mandator, but it adds a nice sweetness)
3-4 slices ham (the boyfriend likes his sandwiches meatier, I do not.  Do what you feel.)
3-4 slice turkey
2 slices mild white cheese (tradition calls for swiss, but we had fontina, so I used it)
1 egg
2 Tbsp. yogurt*
   jam for serving (I like blackberry)

* The yogurt is admittedly bizarre, and was totally unintentional.  Our milk went bad, so I had to improvise.  I used Boston Cream Pie flavor, but vanilla would definitely work-- nothing fruity though.  The yogurt gave the bread a lovely crunch, but if you either don't have it or don't trust me, you could probably use 1-1/2 Tbsp. milk plus 1 tsp. vanilla extract.

1. Whisk together the egg and the yogurt.  Set aside for now.
2. Dry off the meat between two paper towels.  This is important.
3. Stack the meat and cheese on the bread, tearing and folding if necessary to minimize overhang.  I like to put my cheese in the middle, as I feel that it keeps the sandwich together better.
4. Carefully dip both sides of the sandwich in the egg mixture.  Don't let the egg puddle on the bread.  The mixture should coat the bread uniformly in a thin-ish layer.
5. Immediately cook the sandwich on a pan, preheated over medium-high heat (I used a grill pan, but you don't have to).  Lightly press the sandwich to make sure contact with the pan is even.  Cook until golden on both sides.
6. Serve sandwich with jam, and sprinkle with powdered sugar if you have it.  It is a known fact that sandwiches do not taste as good if they are not cut diagonally.

Studying

There are two absolute truths: (1) I am always under siege by ADD; (2)I have no appreciable study skills.  If the information I have to learn cannot be easily reduced to flash cards, I don't really know what to do with it.  And if I do not have a definite action plan, ADD easily breaches the fortress like this:

Nevertheless, I decided to go to law school because I apparently forgot that I am lazy, and the indentured servitude (which will be required to pay back my loans) sucks.  So armed with visions of a world free of poverty and discrimination (attributable to my amazing lawyering skills) and an intense fear of failure, I sit down to study like a big girl.

Outlining like a pro!

Crucial to this plan is the fact that there is someone who could possibly see me in the event that I start doing weird shit instead of being productive.  Then they could judge me and I would feel sad.  A reasonable person would realize that people are self-centered and probably won't even notice a stranger doing doing weird shit.  I am not a reasonable person-- secretly, I am pretty sure that my life is a cartoon and my awkwardness is an extended joke to entertain the masses.  So in summary, my ability to be a grown up and accomplish things is largely dependent on peer pressure.  If left unsupervised, my will power quickly breaks down:

Suddenly, the words I am reading turn into nonsense.  My eyes read: "The jury's competence, unlike that of the judge, rests partly on its ability to reflect the perspectives, experiences, and values of the ordinary people in the community..."  By the time it gets to my brain, the words are completely devoid of all meaning.

Now that I no longer understand what I'm reading, the entire exercise seems pointless.  I begin to fantasize about more pleasant things like watching television while my textbook slowly burns to ashes.

I try to keep reading, because damn it, I am a grown up and I am spending a crap ton of imaginary money on this stupid degree.  But once I start thinking about television and destruction, I can't stop.  The stark contrast between the happy scenario of my imagination and the misery of outlining rapidly approaches critical mass.  My willpower shatters into a thousand little pieces.  Self control has been entirely consumed by ADD.

Next thing I know, I am watching nature programs on TV and snacking on freshly baked cookies, swaying and bouncing with joy.  The guilt pouts in the corner of my brain, nagging me that I'll have to do work at some point.  ADD could not care less.  ADD is busy dancing around like a cracked out kindergardener at Chuck E. Cheese's.

This is not good.  If this keeps up, I will be unable to recognize the material on the exam.

I will then fail law school, and spend the rest of my life living in a refrigerator box behind a McDonald's.

Exam season has officially begun

I am unlikely to cook any time soon, as I have a shit ton of work to do for exams.  Here are some doodles I made during my last class of the semester, inspired by my courses.

Evidence

Law & Psychology

Constitutional Law

Mediation